Jonathan Kaulay Analyzes Stuff

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When Rasslin’ Wrestles With Serious Issues: War In The Middle East

Professional wrestling, or rasslin, has been a part of pop culture since the 1960s. Unlike the amateurs who battle using their strength and athleticism in a highly competitive combat-style sport, rasslin is more like ballet combined with theater with the dress code of competition swimming.  Glorified tighty-whiteys is the attire of choice for professional wrestling. 

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Pictured: Pro Wrestler Randy Orton discovering the loopholes in every restaurant’s “no shirt, no shoes, no service” policy by refusing to wear pants.

Rasslin is essentially a form of performance art, like figure skating or synchronized swimming except more homoerotic. Like most art, it often tackles some of the most important and complex social and political issues of the times and does a terrible job at doing so. Like the time they took on Operation Desert Storm.

Many television shows, movies and books have made statements about issues in the Middle East. “The Hurt Locker” and Joe Sacco’s graphic novel “Palestine” are both examples of works of art that have poignantly tackled the subject of American involvement or lack of involvement in the Middle East. These movies, however, did so with years of wisdom behind them or used real, firsthand information. The WWF did not wait for the convenience of retrospect, reason or analysis to take on the issue. As soon as the WWF writers caught wind that the United States would be going to war in Iraq via Operation Desert Storm they immediately began to take what would become a multiple-decades-long conflict and boil it down to a wrestling feud between Hulk Hogan and Sgt. Slaughter.

Most probably remember Sgt. Slaughter as the red-blooded American drill sergeant good-guy character, but he took some time off from wrestling to help the GI Joes and upon his return he found his patriotic character occupied by Hulk Hogan. As we all know, a patriot is like a highlander, there can be only one, so Slaughter, unable to compete with Hogan’s love of America, became an Iraq sympathizer. It is just like in real life when your neighbor hangs a bigger American flag than yours on their front porch and you have to give them a belly-to-belly suplex and change your citizenship. 

Slaughter joined forces with the Iron Sheik and even began using the incredibly racist submission maneuver the camel clutch.

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Pictured: Slaughter moments after Hogan asked him “will you pop my back?”

After burning Hogan’s shirt and spewing some anti-American rhetoric, the feud culminated with a title match at WrestleMania VII. Hogan won the title but the war continued for months, eventually ending in a no-holds-barred “Desert Storm Match.” That match ended with Hogan proudly waving old glory to celebrate his victory and that is how America brought peace to the Middle East in 1991.

Filed under wwe comedy randy orton hulk hogan wrestling wwf

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Rejected: A Strange And Dangerous Place

Rejected: I wrote this article for my college magazine and they opted to publish a different article I wrote about politics. I have no idea who I would even attempt to sell this to so I present it here for your consideration:

A Strange And Dangerous Place

The summer sun bathed the mass crowd of people in a thick, frothy heat.  My nostrils were filled with the unique odor created by the stink of human bodies. My mouth was a desert, dry and baron.  My ears were ringing from the explosion of noise. The crowd chanted in unison while pumping their fists in the air. This was a strange and dangerous place.

This was a warzone.

But I am not a reincarnation of Marie Colvin, I don’t even have a badass eye patch, and this was not a war torn region.  This was Ozzfest.

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Rejected: Hostel Does Not Suck: How the Movie That Spawned the Torture Porn Genre Defined a Time

REJECTED:  Below is an article I couldn’t get anyone to buy so I’m posting it here.  I will do this periodically.

This article was written for a horror movie website, however, after approving the pitch they stopped returning my emails, probably because of the stalking. Anyway, here is me defending my love of the movie Hostel.

Hostel Does Not Suck: How the Movie That Spawned the Torture Porn Genre Defined a Time

It is no secret that horror movies often tackle tough political and social themes through the genre.  Many of the sci-fi/horror movies of the ‘50s tackle the issue of the cold war, Night of the Living Dead is a subtle commentary on civil rights, Dawn of the Dead is a not-so-subtle critique of capitalism, the slasher craze of the ‘80s was a response to the AIDS scare and the start of the drug war and Leprechaun was made in response to the subjugation of mythical creatures (probably).

This generation does not really have a movie that defined our time in the same way that Night of the Living Dead defined the sociopolitical aspects of the late ‘60s and early ‘70s.  Sure Romero has tried and failed with his latest round of Dead movies and The Happening heavy-handedly tried to make the genre environmentally aware, but most of the films that have made an impact over the last twenty years are movies that have made a commentary on the genre itself, like Scream and Cabin in the Woods.  It seems that the Millennials do not really have a horror movie that defines our time in a social and political aspect…Or has said movie been hiding under our noses for the last seven years.

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Rejected: An Analysis of the Fast Food Complaint Hotline

Below is an article I couldn’t get anyone to buy so I’m posting it here.  I will do this periodically.

Most of us who have to pay our way through college have worked in fast food in order to survive.  If you work in fast food you know what the 1-800 number is.  If you have never worked in fast food then you are probably a puddle of stagnate douche water and your parents pay your tuition, rent and food.  You also still may know what the 1-800 number is, because you are a puddle of stagnant douche water and have called it to yell at people.

For those who have never heard of the number here is an explanation:  The 1-800 number is a tool utilized by those who are shockingly unsatisfied by a meal that has more calories in it than what is recommended for the daily consumption of a water buffalo.  The 1-800 number is sometimes on full display on a large poster or the restaurant will attempt to hide it like you hide all that weird fetish porn you watch on the internet.

  Sometimes the number is featured at the bottom of the receipt you receive after ordering your deep-fried treats.  Sadly, the number may not be visible after touching it with your grease drenched hands.  Consumers of fast food use this number when they want to complain about the shitty service they received from people who make less an hour than it costs to get a meal at an Apple Bees.

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The Completely Objective Best Horror Movies Of 2013, Oh and There Are 20 Of Them. The Internet Says I Need A Number In The Title In Order For This To Become “Viral Content”

20. Grabbers

This movie would make an excellent companion piece to The World’s End. Truly the best horror movie about drinking and giant killer mollusks.

19. John Dies at the End

Words cannot describe this funny and absolutely insane movie. Cracked.Com lovers rejoice.

18. All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

This slasher was made way back in 2006 and was only released this year due to the wonders of studio drama. This is the first full length movie directed by Jonathan Levine, who would go on to make 50/50 and Warm Bodies.  It feels familiar and cliché but in a good way.

17. Byzantium

It is a quiet and pretty movie that brings respect back to the romantic notion of vampires (brought to you by the guy who directed Interview with a Vampire).

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