Jonathan Kaulay Analyzes Stuff

I Use Tumblr To Post Articles I Can't Sell Instead of Pornographic Images and/or awesome viral content, So I'm Using It Wrong

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The Completely Objective Best Horror Movies Of 2013, Oh and There Are 20 Of Them. The Internet Says I Need A Number In The Title In Order For This To Become “Viral Content”

20. Grabbers

This movie would make an excellent companion piece to The World’s End. Truly the best horror movie about drinking and giant killer mollusks.

19. John Dies at the End

Words cannot describe this funny and absolutely insane movie. Cracked.Com lovers rejoice.

18. All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

This slasher was made way back in 2006 and was only released this year due to the wonders of studio drama. This is the first full length movie directed by Jonathan Levine, who would go on to make 50/50 and Warm Bodies.  It feels familiar and cliché but in a good way.

17. Byzantium

It is a quiet and pretty movie that brings respect back to the romantic notion of vampires (brought to you by the guy who directed Interview with a Vampire).

16. Big Ass Spider

SyFy should take note because this is how you make a movie about a giant arachnid. It is funny and self-aware.  It also gets extra points for the opening sequence featuring a really cool cover of The Pixies “Where is my Mind” and a cameo appearance from Troma’s Lloyd Kaufman.

15. Warm Bodies

This was the most surprising movie I seen all year.  I really wanted to hate this. Rob Corddry steals every scene he is in (go watch Butter on Netflix for another example of Corddry show stealing). Anyways, I begrudgingly say I liked this movie.

14. American Mary

American Mary is hard to describe. It is part commentary on body modification, part rape-revenge movie. The best way to describe it, though, is to simply say it is a well-crafted film with the lighting and cinematography of an old school Dario Argento movie and a unique story.

13. Open Grave

This one is still making its rounds on the festival circuit, but I got a chance to watch it and I highly recommend it.  The less you know about the plot going into this one the better.

12. Frankenstein’s Army

There is no character development and none of the characters on the screen are even likable. However, this movie is still awesome.  It is fun, gory and features some really cool creature effects. Turn your brain off and just enjoy this one, while keeping in mind that everyone’s favorite horror movie, the original Evil Dead, was not exactly a character study, nor is this film. It is horror for horror’s sake and that is a positive statement.

11. Wither/Evil Dead

There were two remakes of Evil Dead this year.  One comes from Sweden, and it is called Wither. Wither incorporates a bit of Swedish folklore into the story but is still obviously a spiritual successor to the first Evil Dead movie right down to the tool shed and shotgun. The other was an official Hollywood remake that pushed the gore envelope.  Both were surprisingly groovy.

10. Pacific Rim

It is a movie about Giant robots fighting giant monsters that had a Michael Bay –sized special effects budget, explanation over.

9.  Haunter

A movie about ghosts being haunted by the living was surprisingly suspenseful, scary and memorable.

8. Would You Rather

Would You Rather is gruesome without being gory. It sounds like the plot to a bad Hostel or Saw knockoff but isn’t.  It was likely the best independent horror movie to come out this year.

7. Odd Thomas

I loved this movie. It is currently stuck in limbo as there is a lawsuit regarding its release, but it is definitely worth watching if you can find it.

6.  Hell Baby/This is the End

I love comedy and I love horror and these two were some of the best I have ever seen that combined the genres. First, is the well-known and probably watched by everyone This is the End. The second is Hell Baby. Hell Baby’s trailer made the movie look like a crappy spoof movie, but it is so much more than that.  It is an awesome spoof movie. Well maybe not so much more.  Robert Ben Garant and Thomas Lennon (AKA the Reno 911 guys) knock this one out of the park.  Seriously everyone should be watching this movie right now.

5. V/H/S 2

All the segments in this anthology movie were great, with “Safe Haven” standing out as one of the best horror shorts I have ever seen.

4. The World’s End

The script to The World’s End is definitely a bit weaker than any of the other films in the Cornetto Trilogy in terms of the gags. The humor also seems a bit more “American” than Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost’s previous collaborations. However, it builds to one of the most satisfying, Douglas Adams-esque conclusions in film history.

3. Insidious: Chapter 2

A lot of people really did not like this movie who like the first one, but I love them both. The injection of humor to break up the suspense is the likely culprit that drove a lot of people away, but Insidious: Chapter 2 has director James Wan doing what he does best: building tension, paying off with seat-jumping scares that all lead to a chaotic, frantic and frightening conclusion. However, unlike The Conjuring, which sucks you in, you have to be willing to emerge yourself in Insidious: Chapter 2 in order for the scares to pay off.

2. You’re Next

You’re Next is like the adult version of Home Alone and put a unique spin on the home invader genre.  Plus all the plot twists are genuinely surprising.

1. The Conjuring

It is a shame that James Wan says he is done with the genre, because if there is one thing he has learned to do, it is craft some scary haunted house flicks. The Conjuring is a modern classic in the horror genre on par with the likes of The Exorcist and The Shining. It provides everything you could ask for in a haunted house movie.

Barley missed my list:  World War Z, Sightseers, Cockneys Versus Zombies, Juan of the Dead, Hatchet III and Dark Skies

Have Yet To See but Everyone Else Seems To Love:  Curse of Chucky, Lords of Salem, Jug Face, Stoker and Maniac

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Rejected: An Analysis of the Fast Food Complaint Hotline

Below is an article I couldn’t get anyone to buy so I’m posting it here.  I will do this periodically.

Most of us who have to pay our way through college have worked in fast food in order to survive.  If you work in fast food you know what the 1-800 number is.  If you have never worked in fast food then you are probably a puddle of stagnate douche water and your parents pay your tuition, rent and food.  You also still may know what the 1-800 number is, because you are a puddle of stagnant douche water and have called it to yell at people.

For those who have never heard of the number here is an explanation:  The 1-800 number is a tool utilized by those who are shockingly unsatisfied by a meal that has more calories in it than what is recommended for the daily consumption of a water buffalo.  The 1-800 number is sometimes on full display on a large poster or the restaurant will attempt to hide it like you hide all that weird fetish porn you watch on the internet.

  Sometimes the number is featured at the bottom of the receipt you receive after ordering your deep-fried treats.  Sadly, the number may not be visible after touching it with your grease drenched hands.  Consumers of fast food use this number when they want to complain about the shitty service they received from people who make less an hour than it costs to get a meal at an Apple Bees.

If you have used this number and were reasonable then the insults are not being directed at you.  There is a responsible way to use the number.  If you get something left out you call the fast food restaurant and they offer to replace and you accept then you are ok.  However, some people call the number and go completely in-batshit-sane.

Why They Call

            If you are normal, it may be hard to wrap your head around how someone could feel such passionate anger over food that costs less than a pack of Sharpies.  These people are putting forth time, effort and the overall exhaustion of savage fury all in the name of a one dollar chicken sandwich that had lettuce on it when they specifically requested no lettuce.  Of course, replacing their order or giving them their money back is rarely enough.  They have to go the extra mile and demand someone lose their job. 

You see messing up someone’s order is a serious offense.  When they get a sandwich that has lettuce on it their house may implode, leaving behind a riff in space/time, from which terrifying life forms from sinister dimensions make their way into our world and bring about chaos, pestilence and anarchy.  That’s how imperative a lack of lettuce is to these people.

Why the Calls Aren’t Taken Seriously

            There is never any real harm done, because unlike the people making these complaints, no one at the fast food restaurant really takes their messed up order as serious as the death of a loved one, like they do.  In fact, most managers spend part of their day sitting at a desk listening to the recordings left behind by angry customers and laughing at how much a forgotten order of mozzarella cheese sticks can throw someone’s life into a downward spiral of hate, despair and finally a Tarantino movie-like vengeance. 

Realistically, fast food companies could not take the calls seriously even if they wanted to.  If the complaints were taken seriously then there would literally be no one left to take your order, cook your food in the tub of lard or serve food to you because they would all be unemployed.  Most fast food employees have things like shouting obscenities, touching food with ungloved hands and parading around with two huge jars of ketchup strategically placed on their chest demanding people to look at their huge jugs on their 1-800 number complaint record and are still employed. 

Before you say something like, “Gross, I can’t believe that someone touched my food without gloves on,” you should see the kitchen troll that preps the vegetables in the back.  Perspiration flows off it and into the salads.  It is comparable to a waterfall flowing into a gully surrounded by jungle foliage.

            The 1-800 number has been enlightening, though.  It shows vengeance is a staple of human nature that is very easily triggered.  Even though no one is fired over these complaints the customer does not know that.  Their intention is to cause a person financial harm because said person interfered with them eating food that will increase their weight by approximately five Anne Hathaways. 

If the complaints were taken seriously…

            You see, not everyone who works in fast food are shitty college students and teenagers.  Some of the people who work there are trying to make a legit living, have a legit family and I just learned of the existence of the word “legit” so I have to use it a lot.  

            If you call and actually get one of these people fired it would be terrible.  How terrible you ask?  This terrible: 

A young, single mother of two has been working all day.  Her time of freedom draws near.  She takes the last order of the day; let’s say it was a fish sandwich with a coke. 

She gives the customer the sandwich and drink, smiles politely and enthusiastically exclaims, “Thank you gracious patron, and be sure to come back and see us!”

She then proceeds to clock out and exit the store assured she has a job to come back to the next day. 

Meanwhile, the customer is just arriving home with her meal.  She takes a bite of her sandwich and discovers that her sandwich is not free of tarter sauce as per her request. Through some sort of mongoloid logic, she decides that this error is the fault of the young girl that took her order. She dials the 1-800 number and says something about how “this happens every time I come here.” Instead of simply not going to the establishment with perceived poor service anymore, she demands that the girl be fired for this reprehensible mistake. 

The next day, the employee goes into work only to be fired on the spot.  She is unable to find another job, because no one wants to hire her because of her heinous 1-800 number record.  Her and her oldest daughter, who is 16, take up turning tricks and dealing drugs to help pay the bills, but she is eventually forced to sell her youngest son on the black market so her and her eldest daughter can survive. 

Unable to cope with the guilt of selling her only son, the young mother eventually commits suicide using an elaborate Rube Goldberg like device that begins with a cute mouse eating cheese on a see-saw and ends in decapitation.  Her 16-year-old daughter comes home from a long day of slangin’ rocks to discover mommy’s headless corpse and, even worse, some fucking mouse ate all the cheese.  The 16-year-old girl remains in a catatonic state as she bounces around from foster home to foster home until she dies at the age of 17 from a shattered soul.

The customer has finally avenged their incorrectly prepared sandwich.

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Analysys of a Helen Keller Quote

“One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.”

–Helen Keller


This was a quote that was shoved in front of me that was suppose to motivate me for the rest of the week, yet I am slightly confused.

She is correct you shouldn’t consent to creep.  If some creep is following you, a restraining order is probably your best route. 

I do not, however, agree with the second bit.  If you have the impulse to soar I feel it a necessity that I make you aware that human beings do not have the ability to fly.  I am offended that someone would recommend that you jump off a building and try to fly. Is Helen Keller trying to use her inspirational story to get rid of all the people who can see and hear?

I demand that we get John Edward from “Crossing Over With John Edward” fame to get Helen Keller to defend this quote.