Below is an article I couldn’t get anyone to buy so I’m posting it here. I will do this periodically.
Most of us who have to pay our way through college have worked in fast food in order to survive. If you work in fast food you know what the 1-800 number is. If you have never worked in fast food then you are probably a puddle of stagnate douche water and your parents pay your tuition, rent and food. You also still may know what the 1-800 number is, because you are a puddle of stagnant douche water and have called it to yell at people.
For those who have never heard of the number here is an explanation: The 1-800 number is a tool utilized by those who are shockingly unsatisfied by a meal that has more calories in it than what is recommended for the daily consumption of a water buffalo. The 1-800 number is sometimes on full display on a large poster or the restaurant will attempt to hide it like you hide all that weird fetish porn you watch on the internet.
Sometimes the number is featured at the bottom of the receipt you receive after ordering your deep-fried treats. Sadly, the number may not be visible after touching it with your grease drenched hands. Consumers of fast food use this number when they want to complain about the shitty service they received from people who make less an hour than it costs to get a meal at an Apple Bees.
If you have used this number and were reasonable then the insults are not being directed at you. There is a responsible way to use the number. If you get something left out you call the fast food restaurant and they offer to replace and you accept then you are ok. However, some people call the number and go completely in-batshit-sane.
Why They Call
If you are normal, it may be hard to wrap your head around how someone could feel such passionate anger over food that costs less than a pack of Sharpies. These people are putting forth time, effort and the overall exhaustion of savage fury all in the name of a one dollar chicken sandwich that had lettuce on it when they specifically requested no lettuce. Of course, replacing their order or giving them their money back is rarely enough. They have to go the extra mile and demand someone lose their job.
You see messing up someone’s order is a serious offense. When they get a sandwich that has lettuce on it their house may implode, leaving behind a riff in space/time, from which terrifying life forms from sinister dimensions make their way into our world and bring about chaos, pestilence and anarchy. That’s how imperative a lack of lettuce is to these people.
Why the Calls Aren’t Taken Seriously
There is never any real harm done, because unlike the people making these complaints, no one at the fast food restaurant really takes their messed up order as serious as the death of a loved one, like they do. In fact, most managers spend part of their day sitting at a desk listening to the recordings left behind by angry customers and laughing at how much a forgotten order of mozzarella cheese sticks can throw someone’s life into a downward spiral of hate, despair and finally a Tarantino movie-like vengeance.
Realistically, fast food companies could not take the calls seriously even if they wanted to. If the complaints were taken seriously then there would literally be no one left to take your order, cook your food in the tub of lard or serve food to you because they would all be unemployed. Most fast food employees have things like shouting obscenities, touching food with ungloved hands and parading around with two huge jars of ketchup strategically placed on their chest demanding people to look at their huge jugs on their 1-800 number complaint record and are still employed.
Before you say something like, “Gross, I can’t believe that someone touched my food without gloves on,” you should see the kitchen troll that preps the vegetables in the back. Perspiration flows off it and into the salads. It is comparable to a waterfall flowing into a gully surrounded by jungle foliage.
The 1-800 number has been enlightening, though. It shows vengeance is a staple of human nature that is very easily triggered. Even though no one is fired over these complaints the customer does not know that. Their intention is to cause a person financial harm because said person interfered with them eating food that will increase their weight by approximately five Anne Hathaways.
If the complaints were taken seriously…
You see, not everyone who works in fast food are shitty college students and teenagers. Some of the people who work there are trying to make a legit living, have a legit family and I just learned of the existence of the word “legit” so I have to use it a lot.
If you call and actually get one of these people fired it would be terrible. How terrible you ask? This terrible:
A young, single mother of two has been working all day. Her time of freedom draws near. She takes the last order of the day; let’s say it was a fish sandwich with a coke.
She gives the customer the sandwich and drink, smiles politely and enthusiastically exclaims, “Thank you gracious patron, and be sure to come back and see us!”
She then proceeds to clock out and exit the store assured she has a job to come back to the next day.
Meanwhile, the customer is just arriving home with her meal. She takes a bite of her sandwich and discovers that her sandwich is not free of tarter sauce as per her request. Through some sort of mongoloid logic, she decides that this error is the fault of the young girl that took her order. She dials the 1-800 number and says something about how “this happens every time I come here.” Instead of simply not going to the establishment with perceived poor service anymore, she demands that the girl be fired for this reprehensible mistake.
The next day, the employee goes into work only to be fired on the spot. She is unable to find another job, because no one wants to hire her because of her heinous 1-800 number record. Her and her oldest daughter, who is 16, take up turning tricks and dealing drugs to help pay the bills, but she is eventually forced to sell her youngest son on the black market so her and her eldest daughter can survive.
Unable to cope with the guilt of selling her only son, the young mother eventually commits suicide using an elaborate Rube Goldberg like device that begins with a cute mouse eating cheese on a see-saw and ends in decapitation. Her 16-year-old daughter comes home from a long day of slangin’ rocks to discover mommy’s headless corpse and, even worse, some fucking mouse ate all the cheese. The 16-year-old girl remains in a catatonic state as she bounces around from foster home to foster home until she dies at the age of 17 from a shattered soul.
The customer has finally avenged their incorrectly prepared sandwich.