Jonathan Kaulay Analyzes Stuff

Not Even My Mom Will Read My Blog

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When Rasslin’ Wrestles With Serious Issues Part 2: Child Custody

Too many of us know the pain of divorce and the joys of celebrating every holiday twice. Sometimes child custody issues can get very messy, with the children who are caught in the middle being hurt the most, but imagine how much cooler an experience your parents’ divorce could have been had they battled for primary custodial rights via a ladder match.

Much of the art that we love takes on very personal issues. Whether it is an estranged father’s journey to reconnect with his son or the struggles of a young girl coming of age, art has a way of tapping into our deepest issues and forcing us to reevaluate ourselves. Professional wrestling is an art form so the same can be said for it, which is why I tear up and tell my family I love them every time I see that clip of Macho Man lifting Miss Elizabeth up on his shoulder.

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…And I also crave dehydrated meat sticks when I see Macho Man.

Rasslin’ often takes on these very personal issues like child custody and handles them the same way an ape handles its own poop, hilariously. For example, there was a match between Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero that determined who would get to raise a child.

Just stopping short of literally suspending a small child thirty feet above a wrestling ring, the WWE did something no less ludicrous and suspended child custody papers in a briefcase above the ring and whoever retrieved the papers via a ladder would receive custody of a child. Apparently, this was a legally-binding way to settle custody issues in the District of Columbia when SummerSlam 2005 took place.

You see, Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero go way back and apparently Guerrero fathered the child that Mysterio was raising as his own.

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-The first red flag must have been when the kid was born with a mullet instead of a luchador mask.

So it was decided that Mysterio and Guerrero would do what any reasonable adults would do, they were going to hit each other with a ladder until one of them stopped moving.

The match quickly began falling apart and other family members got involved, as what often happens in real life custody issues.

When Guerrero was climbing the ladder, Dominique, the child whose father was going to be determined by a wrestling match, attempted to push the ladder over. Naturally Guerrero did the only thing he could and jumped down off the ladder and then ominously cornered the kid as he prepared to commit what appeared to be child abuse in front of millions of people.

At that point Rey Mysterio should have won the match simply based on the fact that no fit parent would punch a child in the face. 

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-Even if said punch was going to be a pulled punch with minimal impact.

Mysterio managed to prevent any abuse from happening, thankfully or not thankfully depending on how you feel about children I guess.

At the end of the match, Guerrero’s wife interfered to stop her husband from winning by shoving him off the ladder. This led to Mysterio climbing the ladder and winning a child, as opposed to having one accidentally like most people do.

I could make jokes about how a child having to watch two people he loves tear each other apart, figuratively and literally and devolving a child’s well-being into a literal pissing contest, in this case a wrestling match, may have negatively affected him…

…But at the end of it all, this does not really sound that much different than the way most actual child custody issues are resolved.

Filed under summerslam wwe wwe jokes humor comedy funny wwe wwf rey mysterio Wrestling

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When Rasslin’ Wrestles With Serious Issues: War In The Middle East

Professional wrestling, or rasslin, has been a part of pop culture since the 1960s. Unlike the amateurs who battle using their strength and athleticism in a highly competitive combat-style sport, rasslin is more like ballet combined with theater with the dress code of competition swimming.  Glorified tighty-whiteys is the attire of choice for professional wrestling. 

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Filed under wwe comedy randy orton hulk hogan wrestling wwf

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Rejected: A Strange And Dangerous Place

Rejected: I wrote this article for my college magazine and they opted to publish a different article I wrote about politics. I have no idea who I would even attempt to sell this to so I present it here for your consideration:

A Strange And Dangerous Place

The summer sun bathed the mass crowd of people in a thick, frothy heat.  My nostrils were filled with the unique odor created by the stink of human bodies. My mouth was a desert, dry and baron.  My ears were ringing from the explosion of noise. The crowd chanted in unison while pumping their fists in the air. This was a strange and dangerous place.

This was a warzone.

But I am not a reincarnation of Marie Colvin, I don’t even have a badass eye patch, and this was not a war torn region.  This was Ozzfest.

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Rejected: Hostel Does Not Suck: How the Movie That Spawned the Torture Porn Genre Defined a Time

REJECTED:  Below is an article I couldn’t get anyone to buy so I’m posting it here.  I will do this periodically.

This article was written for a horror movie website, however, after approving the pitch they stopped returning my emails, probably because of the stalking. Anyway, here is me defending my love of the movie Hostel.

Hostel Does Not Suck: How the Movie That Spawned the Torture Porn Genre Defined a Time

It is no secret that horror movies often tackle tough political and social themes through the genre.  Many of the sci-fi/horror movies of the ‘50s tackle the issue of the cold war, Night of the Living Dead is a subtle commentary on civil rights, Dawn of the Dead is a not-so-subtle critique of capitalism, the slasher craze of the ‘80s was a response to the AIDS scare and the start of the drug war and Leprechaun was made in response to the subjugation of mythical creatures (probably).

This generation does not really have a movie that defined our time in the same way that Night of the Living Dead defined the sociopolitical aspects of the late ‘60s and early ‘70s.  Sure Romero has tried and failed with his latest round of Dead movies and The Happening heavy-handedly tried to make the genre environmentally aware, but most of the films that have made an impact over the last twenty years are movies that have made a commentary on the genre itself, like Scream and Cabin in the Woods.  It seems that the Millennials do not really have a horror movie that defines our time in a social and political aspect…Or has said movie been hiding under our noses for the last seven years.

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Filed under hostel eli roth horror horror movies movies

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Rejected: An Analysis of the Fast Food Complaint Hotline

Below is an article I couldn’t get anyone to buy so I’m posting it here.  I will do this periodically.

Most of us who have to pay our way through college have worked in fast food in order to survive.  If you work in fast food you know what the 1-800 number is.  If you have never worked in fast food then you are probably a puddle of stagnate douche water and your parents pay your tuition, rent and food.  You also still may know what the 1-800 number is, because you are a puddle of stagnant douche water and have called it to yell at people.

For those who have never heard of the number here is an explanation:  The 1-800 number is a tool utilized by those who are shockingly unsatisfied by a meal that has more calories in it than what is recommended for the daily consumption of a water buffalo.  The 1-800 number is sometimes on full display on a large poster or the restaurant will attempt to hide it like you hide all that weird fetish porn you watch on the internet.

  Sometimes the number is featured at the bottom of the receipt you receive after ordering your deep-fried treats.  Sadly, the number may not be visible after touching it with your grease drenched hands.  Consumers of fast food use this number when they want to complain about the shitty service they received from people who make less an hour than it costs to get a meal at an Apple Bees.

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The Completely Objective Best Horror Movies Of 2013, Oh and There Are 20 Of Them. The Internet Says I Need A Number In The Title In Order For This To Become “Viral Content”

20. Grabbers

This movie would make an excellent companion piece to The World’s End. Truly the best horror movie about drinking and giant killer mollusks.

19. John Dies at the End

Words cannot describe this funny and absolutely insane movie. Cracked.Com lovers rejoice.

18. All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

This slasher was made way back in 2006 and was only released this year due to the wonders of studio drama. This is the first full length movie directed by Jonathan Levine, who would go on to make 50/50 and Warm Bodies.  It feels familiar and cliché but in a good way.

17. Byzantium

It is a quiet and pretty movie that brings respect back to the romantic notion of vampires (brought to you by the guy who directed Interview with a Vampire).

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